A year later...

I am completely over her, and now that I look back, I see how stupid it was for me to beg her and wait for her for so long; but it was all part of the process.  This was my first real relationship, I shared my life with her for five years, I lived with her for three years, and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her at one point.  This was also my first real breakup and it taught me a lot.  I am still single and at this point, I am not looking for anyone.  I had not been this happy in many years and right now, I just want to enjoy my life, focus on myself, and do things I enjoy doing without all the stress of being in a relationship.  I will find the right person whenever God decides that it is the right time. 

Now that I look back I realize that God has a plan for everyone.  My relationship with her was always a mistake for various reasons, that is why we were never truly happy.  We were just not meant for each other and I can see that clearly now.  It took me almost an entire year to get completely over her, but now that there are no feelings involved I can see that it was not real love.  I loved her because we shared many special moments together, but I am not and was not in love with her, I was simply used to always being around her and to doing everything together.  All the pain that I felt was due to her hurting my pride by putting me aside and due to her leaving me all alone.  I did not know what to do with myself; I was scared of what was coming and scared of change.  I had never been without someone by my side and I was just terrified.  On top of that I was hurt by all the things she did to me as a friend. 

I know what to expect in the future now.  Things always happen for a reason, and better things always come.  I am thankful that she left me and that she never got back with me because I learned and discovered many things about myself and about life.  I discovered who I really am as an individual and what I really want to do with my life.  For the first time ever I am comfortable with being single, being alone at home, doing things on my own, planning my own schedule, and hanging out with whoever I want whenever I want to.  All of this would not have happened if she had not left me.  All that pain and experiences made me a better and stronger individual.  I renewed my spirituality, found new hobbies, matured a lot, and now I am ready for whatever God has planned for me.  Life is great, don't ever doubt it.

After the sixth month

I did not talk to my ex at all for about two months but one day I decided to reach out.

Eighth Month - I thought I was ready to try to be her friend again and so we began talking often once more.  At the beginning she acted like she was offended because I had stopped talking to her, but I didn't pay much attention to her and she eventually got over it and began reaching out to me again as well.  We began texting and talking on Gmail again.  We started sharing things about our lives but I still made it clear that I did not want to know anything about the person she was dating.  She would try to hang out and invite me out for coffee but I was still not ready.

Ninth Month - I decided to give it one last try (I know, I know!) Even though my feelings were obviously not as strong, I would still miss her and sometimes felt very lonely.  I would make comments hinting that I still wanted her back.  I left her a card on her car door one morning just wishing her a good day.  I would do different things just to let her know that I still cared.  But this time she was clear in letting me know that she was happy with someone else and to not make comments like that any more.  It hurt but I stopped.

Tenth Month - After six months of not seeing her, I decided to accept her invitation for coffee.  We hung out and it was great, just like the old times.  We had a great time and a long conversation with lots of laughs, but at the same time, it all felt very superficial because we would not share anything about our personal lives.  I felt very lame because I still did not have a significant other whereas she was already on her 10th month with her new relationship.  The next time we hung out, I invited her to a gig at a museum and she said yeah right away, but after that, she started giving me the runaround, making excuses, and she began being her old self again (this was the reason we had so many problems when we were together - she is very informal, does not keep her word, has no trouble lying even if it is about stupid stuff).  We would only hangout whenever she had time (rarely) or at 5am before work whenever she had to give me something for the dogs that we bought together but that I kept.

Eleventh Month - I began feeling resentful for everything she did to me, not even as a couple but as friends.  She hurt me like no other person has ever hurt me, and the worst part was that she did it on purpose supposedly not to hurt me.  I began to see her with different eyes and began to lose interest in even being her friend or having contact with her.  We would rarely hang out because I would almost need to make an appointment to see her.  She would say that she was very busy but when you really want to see someone, you make time.  I began to see everything more clearly.  We hung out a couple more times during this month but it was not the same at all.  I would feel anger and bitterness when I was with her, and one of these times, she had just gotten to my house and she got a phone call, left for like 15 minutes and then left.  I felt offended because I would rarely see her and the one time she was over at my house, she decided to be on the phone.  I found it rude.  The last time we hung out I was annoyed most of the time, for no apparent reason.  We were at a wine bar and I just wanted to go back home.  I suddenly realized that there was no point in me trying to be friends with my ex.  I was never going to share any details of my personal life with her because I just didn't feel like it, and I obviously had no interest in hearing the details about her personal life.  Our friendship was always going to be shallow and superficial, therefore, there was no point in trying to continue a friendship that was no longer real.

Twelfth Month - Finally a year had passed.  I no longer missed her or had any type of feelings for her other than some resentment because of how she treated me as a friend.  I decided to finish putting away stuff that she had given me and to finally cut contact with her.  I told her that I didn't think we could be friends after everything that had happened, and I was honest about my thoughts about everything that had happened during the year.  I stopped reaching out to her and stopped logging onto Gmail.  She would still reach out and I would reply because I didn't want her to have any hard feelings and because I don't like to be rude with people by ignoring them; but I could finally say that I was over the whole situation and that we would never ever be together again.  Even if she came back some day, I now knew that I would never go back.

Easier times...

After the third month things got a bit easier, but I still had my bad days...

Fourth month - For some reason I started to miss my ex again.  It felt like I took two steps back because I started to get depressed, feel lonely, unloved, and misunderstood again.  I had to miss work a couple days because I was just too sad to get out of the house.  I had been doing really good but for some unknown reason, I decided to try to get my ex back one more time.  I figured that enough time had passed, and since now we would hardly talk and see each other, I figured that maybe she missed me too... So I bought her some presents and asked her to meet me at my house.  I begged her some more and explained to her that I still loved her with my all; I gave her the presents that I had bought her and in exchange I received the last few things that I had forgotten at her house.  I cried a lot and she told me one more time to not force things and  to let God do his job but I could not let her play with my heart any more.  I told her I needed to hear her tell me that she had moved on completely and to stop giving me false hope, I needed her to tell me that she was now happy with someone else and that we were not meant to be.  She finally did it.  Even though her actions had already told me what I wanted to hear, her words made me strong enough to tell her that it was the last time we would see each other.  She got a text message, said she had to go and left me there crying.

Fifth month - After I stopped seeing my ex, I started having more good days than bad days.  I would hang out with different friends, with my parents, my cousins, or just at home by myself.  I also went to four concerts of my favorite artists, and to watch a soccer game.  It felt good to be out, enjoying myself, and doing things that I had stopped doing because of my ex. I felt at peace.  Of course I still had my bad days, and the nightmares would come once in a while, but I felt better.  I would notice that I would think about her less and less every time, and that would make me smile.

Sixth month - Still missing my ex, how lame!! this month was a tough one because it was full of memories.  It would have been our anniversary and it was also my birthday.  I was full of stress because of other things that were going on, and I hated my ex for not being there for me... However, I began to miss her once again.  Towards the middle of the month I emailed my ex telling her that I didn't think it was fair that she still wanted to have contact with all my close friends and family members.  I began getting sad again and I would cry myself to sleep almost every night.  It didn't help that she would text me telling me that she still missed me, would finish her messages with "I love you", and would still call me "baby" and all the names she used to call me when we were together.  I finally had the courage to delete her from my Facebook page, I also deleted all the pictures I had on my phone, email, and computer; along with all the messages and emails.  A few days later I sent her an e-card saying that she was always going to be special to me, and the day that would have been our anniversary I sent her a message telling her that I loved her but to please not reply. 

Even though I still have my bad days, I like to look back and see how far I have come.  I have learned about myself and about all the mistakes that I made and that I do not wish to repeat in the future.  I have been able to make new friends, reconnect with old friends, and bond with people that are special to me.  I began to do things that I used to enjoy doing prior to meeting my ex and that I had stopped doing.  I got new hobbies, I began to volunteer at a rescue mission, I went back to school to learn about stuff that I enjoy, and I began exercising.  Slowly I am starting to feel more and more like myself again.

Getting through the first few months...

The first few months were really hard, but here are a few things I did to help myself get out of the dark hole I was in.  They might not all work for you but they are worth a try.

- Cry.  Let it all out until you feel like you cannot cry any more.  You will feel a lot better after you let your sadness flow freely.  Losing a love is like experiencing a death of a loved one, you have to give yourself some time to grieve in order to be able to begin to heal.

- Reach out to your close friends and family members.  Being able to have someone to talk to will make you feel much better.  You do not have to go through this alone, and you will feel a lot better if you open up your heart to your loved ones as this will give you a chance to bond with them.  This will also take some weight off your shoulders.  I personally bonded with my parents; they were there for me whenever I needed to cry or to talk to someone.  Try not to spend too much time alone; those who love you will be happy to be there for you.

- Keep yourself busy.  Even if you do not feel like doing anything, you have to force yourself to keep doing the things that you once enjoyed.  Life goes on with or without your ex, and you need to keep moving forward.  Find a hobby, spend time with friends and family, get out of the routine, explore different things, visit new places, travel, go to church, renew your spirituality... I would try to always go out whenever my friends would invite me anywhere, even if I had no energy to even get up from the couch.  Slowly I started to feel better and to enjoy my time with friends, I even started making new friends and finding new hobbies.

- Make a list of the things that need to get done.  This was the only way I would do something other than lay down on the couch and cry all day.  Before going to bed, I would make a list of all the things that I wanted to accomplish the following day and all the things that needed to get done.  Then, I would try to stick to my schedule no matter how bad I felt.

- Read.  Books helped me a lot with my self-esteem and to realize that I had everything I needed to keep moving forward.  There are a lot of good self-help books out there.  Among the books that showed me the positive side of a break-up and how to deal with it are The Journey From Abandonment to Healing, The Feeling Good Handbook, and Black Swan - The 12 Lessons of Abandonment Recovery.  Reading not only gives you a different perspective on things, it also keeps your mind busy.

- Write.  My first thought when I started my journal was that I wanted to write down everything that I was going through so that I would never forget what my ex did to me.  I wanted to have everything in writing so that I could go back to it and remind myself of all the bad things to not put myself in that spot ever again.  Sometimes I didn't have anyone to talk to or I would feel like people were already tired of my story, so I would just write down my thoughts and feelings instead.  Sometimes this would even make me feel better than talking to someone.  I also used my journal to write letters to my ex or just to kind of talk to myself.  Writing helped me heal and now I am glad that I started the journal because everything I wrote is now helping me write this blog.

- Pamper yourself.  Take a bubble bath, go on a bike ride, go to a spa, go shopping, play video games, have a glass of wine while you watch a movie that you enjoy... Do whatever makes you feel better and relaxed.

- Pray and try to find inner peace.  I found that talking to God made me feel better.  I began praying every night and talking to God throughout the day.  I would thank him every morning for allowing me to wake up, and every night for giving me the opportunity to live another day - even if it was a bad day.  I would talk to God on my way to work, and throughout the day I would ask him for strength.  I also began going to church more often and now I enjoy having a closer relationship with God.  If you are not religious, try to practice meditation as it will have the same effect.

- Stay positive.  This is really hard to do, especially the first few weeks.  You feel like your world is over, like you will die without your ex, like you have nothing to live for.  However, think about all the positives in your life, count your blessings, look around and enjoy your surroundings.  Be thankful for being alive, healthy, for your family and friends, for having a place to live, a job, food, and people who love you.  Time is your best friend and things will get better, you just have to be patient and try your hardest to get over the bad feelings.  If you keep a negative attitude and do not try to think positive, it will be harder for you to move on.

- Live one day at a time.  Stop thinking about the past and do not think about the future, focus on the present.  The past is in the past and cannot be changed.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to go back and do things differently, all you have is the present.  Work on yourself, learn from your mistakes, and keep moving forward.  Take it one step at a time; enjoy every minute, every hour, every day, and remember to always stay positive.

- Put yourself above anyone else.  Before, my ex was my priority but slowly I realized that I needed to care for and love myself above anyone else. I began putting my ex and others in second place, I would not reply to my ex's texts or emails right away, even if I thought that she needed me or that she would feel ignored.  She didn't care about me when she left so why would I care about what she felt or thought? If I did not feel okay to see her or to talk to her, I would not.  If I didn't take good care of myself and of my heart, no one else would.

- Take good care of yourself.  It is hard to eat and care for yourself when your heart is aching, but being healthy will make you feel better.  I lost about 10 lbs in two weeks, but then I realized that I was only harming myself by not eating (even though I was not doing it on purpose).  Those days when I would not get hungry and food would gross me out, I would at least try to eat fruits or drink milkshakes.  I started taking vitamins and drinking Ensure to at least have something in my stomach.  Your appetite will return with time.  Also, try to exercise every day as this will keep you in shape, give you energy, increase your self-esteem, and keep you healthy.

- Get yourself out there!  Meet new people, join groups, get a gym membership, join a dating site just to make new friends, go back to school, go to church.  Try not to stay home depressed.  I decided to join a dating site just to meet people but I made it clear that I was only interested in friendship.  I don't believe it is a good idea to start dating someone right after a breakup.  You have to heal first in order to be able to start a new relationship, or else you will end up hurting yourself and the other person.  Church also gave me a second family and lots of new friends.

- Try to cut all communication with your ex or keep it to a minimum.  I was unable to stop texting and emailing my ex completely, especially because she would be the one to contact me all the time.  When we were together we would talk all day on gmail, text throughout the day, and be together all day and night after work; so it was just really hard to all of a sudden cut all communication.  But I did do it at my own pace.  I would write letters to her just to feel like I was telling her whatever I wanted to tell her, but I would not send them.  I also began texting her less and less until it all became easier.

- Stay away from drugs and alcohol.  Getting drunk and using drugs might make you forget and feel good for a little while but after the effect wears off, you will end up feeling worse than you did before.  You have to live a healthy lifestyle in order to feel better.  When I was really depressed I tried taking sleeping pills with beer, I was not trying to kill myself but I wanted to sleep for a long time.  I realized it was a stupid thing to do and after I began feeling the effects of the alcohol and sleeping pills, I made myself vomit and felt horrible for days.  Not worth it.

- Do not do anything stupid!! Some days will feel like you have nothing to live for, like all you want to do is die.  NO ONE is worth your life!! think about all your dreams and goals and everything you want to achieve.  Your ex is not your whole world, there is so much around you! The thought of killing myself has crossed my mind many times, but I know it would be a selfish thing to do to my loved ones.  There are many good things to live for and if you do not agree with me now, you will with time.

- Change things up a bit.  Change your look, get a new haircut, buy new clothes, rearrange your apartment, and try to get out of the routine that you had with your ex.

- Other things that might help.  Go to counseling, join support groups, or visit online forums where you can find other people that are going through the same thing.  I decided to join the forums on psychcentral.com, and I found it to be very helpful as I found others that felt the same way I did, and was able to get advice from people that had already gone through something similar.  Practicing EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Tapping may also help.  You may find instructional videos on how to practice this on youtube.com.

Try not to listen to songs that remind you of your ex and stay away from places that you would visit together, at least until you feel ready.  It is a good idea to get rid of everything that reminds you of your ex.  If you do not want to throw them away or donate them, at least put them in a box where you can't see them.  Delete your ex from Facebook, Twitter, and even from your phone if you can, and don't cheat yourself by going to their profiles.  Once you start having less contact with your ex, things will get easier.

The first few months

For me, the hardest part of breaking up was to realize that all the plans for the future that I had with that person were never going to become a reality.  I was left all alone with a broken heart and a head full of memories and questions.  Months later I still miss that person, and even though the pain is not the same as it was at the beginning, I am still struggling to move on with my life. 

We'll see how long this goes on... But this is how the journey began...

The first week - After the separation, I realized that my ex was already dating someone else.  I felt cheated and hurt.  I wanted to scream and cry, and felt desperate.  When I found out, I started getting sweaty, dizzy, anxious, I threw up and could not breathe properly.  This would happen to me every time I would think about this new person.  I just could not bear the thought of my love being with someone else.  I couldn't stand the pain and I honestly thought I was going to die! I begged, cried, promised that I would be different, that I would do anything... I contacted the person my ex was now dating and begged him to step away, he obviously did not.  My ex told me that we could not be together because there were doubts about her feelings, but that if we were meant to be together we would be.  Even though there was a new person in the picture, my ex thought it would be okay to gave me false hope (so I wouldn't get hurt?!?!).  I could not stop crying, it all felt like a really bad nightmare. I spent three days in bed, I could not eat, could not sleep, could not get myself to get up to go to work.  There were moments when I thought I was going to go crazy and I thought I was never going to be able to go on with my life.  Since I used to do absolutely everything with my ex, I did not know what to do with myself.  I had separation anxiety and panic attacks.  My entire world was crushed.. I just wanted all the pain to end!

The first two months - I was absolutely depressed, would cry every day, did not know how to make myself feel better as nothing would help.  I had nightmares almost every night about my ex and this new person.  My ex would still give me false hope by telling me that God had a plan for us but that it was not our time yet.  I would fantasize about killing myself and the different ways that I could do it; but then I would think about my family and would realize that it was not fair for me to do that to them.  I would still beg for another opportunity, for a kiss, for love.  I would pray every night, every day, all day.  I would drink to try forget about my misery but I soon realized that this would make me feel even more depressed the following day, so I stopped.  I had to go to the doctor because I could not sleep and I kept getting panic attacks, so he had to put me on sleeping pills and Xanax; that was the only way I was able to get through the day.  I would often think that I was becoming bipolar as one moment I was okay and the next I was depressed.  I would sleep a lot throughout the day and didn't really have the energy or the desire to do anything.  Nights and mornings were the worst part of the day. I kept wanting to have communication with my ex because it was extremely hard to just let go, so I would send letters and dedicate songs, I would express my feelings in hopes that my ex would realize that we were meant to be together and that all of this was just a mistake.  I thought it was all temporary and I desperately wanted to make my ex fall back in love with me.  My ex wanted to stay friends despite the fact that I was still in love, but I didn't mind because this would give me the opportunity to keep trying.  I thought that her leftover time and love were better than nothing at all.  I would try to be as nice as I could whenever we would spend time together - I would cook, make jokes, listen, and just show my affection as much as I could.   I wanted my ex to realize that I was willing to do anything in order for us to get back together!

Third month - At the beginning of the month I still had hope, but I started to realize that I could not force my ex to love me or be with me.  This month, I was told that things were now official with the new person my ex was dating (I'm sure it happened a lot sooner, but I just happened to ask).  I was humiliated a few times and it was made clear to me that I no longer mattered... but my love was greater than all the pain.  I was still willing to wait.  We were supposed to go on a trip together (it was planned before this whole thing happened and it was too expensive to cancel everything), and I thought that maybe spending a few days together would change things.  Wrong.  We had a good time as friends and I enjoyed every single moment of that trip because I knew it would be the last one, but that was it.  After we came back, I would still send emails and dedicate songs once in a while, but I stopped trying as hard as I would try the first couple of months.  My hope was not as strong because I started to realize that I was wasting my time; but I could not let go either because my ex would not tell me straight out that there was no more hope for us (even though actions speak louder than words!).  I no longer had panic attacks but would still get anxiety once in a while when thinking about my ex being with someone else, or whenever I felt the need to be with my ex. I decided to stop taking the Xanax because I would feel like I was high all day, and I slowly stopped taking the sleeping pills.  By the end of the month I would still cry a lot and be sad most of the time, but I was slowly getting used to a new routine so my need to be with my ex was not as strong as it had been the previous months.  Even though I was still in a very dark place, I was beginning to accept the fact that I had to move on.

During the first three months I felt worthless. I lost my self-respect, my dignity, my self-esteem... I fell very low.  I felt like I had been traded for a better model and that I wasn't worth anything - that being the reason why my ex had chosen another person over me despite all the years we had spent together, and despite all the memories that we shared.  I felt lonely, depressed, misunderstood, anxious... I experienced many feelings that I had never felt before.  However, I realized that I could not let myself go and that even if people wanted to help me, I was the one that had to make the decision to help myself in order to be able to get out of my misery and move on with my life...