A year later...

I am completely over her, and now that I look back, I see how stupid it was for me to beg her and wait for her for so long; but it was all part of the process.  This was my first real relationship, I shared my life with her for five years, I lived with her for three years, and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with her at one point.  This was also my first real breakup and it taught me a lot.  I am still single and at this point, I am not looking for anyone.  I had not been this happy in many years and right now, I just want to enjoy my life, focus on myself, and do things I enjoy doing without all the stress of being in a relationship.  I will find the right person whenever God decides that it is the right time. 

Now that I look back I realize that God has a plan for everyone.  My relationship with her was always a mistake for various reasons, that is why we were never truly happy.  We were just not meant for each other and I can see that clearly now.  It took me almost an entire year to get completely over her, but now that there are no feelings involved I can see that it was not real love.  I loved her because we shared many special moments together, but I am not and was not in love with her, I was simply used to always being around her and to doing everything together.  All the pain that I felt was due to her hurting my pride by putting me aside and due to her leaving me all alone.  I did not know what to do with myself; I was scared of what was coming and scared of change.  I had never been without someone by my side and I was just terrified.  On top of that I was hurt by all the things she did to me as a friend. 

I know what to expect in the future now.  Things always happen for a reason, and better things always come.  I am thankful that she left me and that she never got back with me because I learned and discovered many things about myself and about life.  I discovered who I really am as an individual and what I really want to do with my life.  For the first time ever I am comfortable with being single, being alone at home, doing things on my own, planning my own schedule, and hanging out with whoever I want whenever I want to.  All of this would not have happened if she had not left me.  All that pain and experiences made me a better and stronger individual.  I renewed my spirituality, found new hobbies, matured a lot, and now I am ready for whatever God has planned for me.  Life is great, don't ever doubt it.

After the sixth month

I did not talk to my ex at all for about two months but one day I decided to reach out.

Eighth Month - I thought I was ready to try to be her friend again and so we began talking often once more.  At the beginning she acted like she was offended because I had stopped talking to her, but I didn't pay much attention to her and she eventually got over it and began reaching out to me again as well.  We began texting and talking on Gmail again.  We started sharing things about our lives but I still made it clear that I did not want to know anything about the person she was dating.  She would try to hang out and invite me out for coffee but I was still not ready.

Ninth Month - I decided to give it one last try (I know, I know!) Even though my feelings were obviously not as strong, I would still miss her and sometimes felt very lonely.  I would make comments hinting that I still wanted her back.  I left her a card on her car door one morning just wishing her a good day.  I would do different things just to let her know that I still cared.  But this time she was clear in letting me know that she was happy with someone else and to not make comments like that any more.  It hurt but I stopped.

Tenth Month - After six months of not seeing her, I decided to accept her invitation for coffee.  We hung out and it was great, just like the old times.  We had a great time and a long conversation with lots of laughs, but at the same time, it all felt very superficial because we would not share anything about our personal lives.  I felt very lame because I still did not have a significant other whereas she was already on her 10th month with her new relationship.  The next time we hung out, I invited her to a gig at a museum and she said yeah right away, but after that, she started giving me the runaround, making excuses, and she began being her old self again (this was the reason we had so many problems when we were together - she is very informal, does not keep her word, has no trouble lying even if it is about stupid stuff).  We would only hangout whenever she had time (rarely) or at 5am before work whenever she had to give me something for the dogs that we bought together but that I kept.

Eleventh Month - I began feeling resentful for everything she did to me, not even as a couple but as friends.  She hurt me like no other person has ever hurt me, and the worst part was that she did it on purpose supposedly not to hurt me.  I began to see her with different eyes and began to lose interest in even being her friend or having contact with her.  We would rarely hang out because I would almost need to make an appointment to see her.  She would say that she was very busy but when you really want to see someone, you make time.  I began to see everything more clearly.  We hung out a couple more times during this month but it was not the same at all.  I would feel anger and bitterness when I was with her, and one of these times, she had just gotten to my house and she got a phone call, left for like 15 minutes and then left.  I felt offended because I would rarely see her and the one time she was over at my house, she decided to be on the phone.  I found it rude.  The last time we hung out I was annoyed most of the time, for no apparent reason.  We were at a wine bar and I just wanted to go back home.  I suddenly realized that there was no point in me trying to be friends with my ex.  I was never going to share any details of my personal life with her because I just didn't feel like it, and I obviously had no interest in hearing the details about her personal life.  Our friendship was always going to be shallow and superficial, therefore, there was no point in trying to continue a friendship that was no longer real.

Twelfth Month - Finally a year had passed.  I no longer missed her or had any type of feelings for her other than some resentment because of how she treated me as a friend.  I decided to finish putting away stuff that she had given me and to finally cut contact with her.  I told her that I didn't think we could be friends after everything that had happened, and I was honest about my thoughts about everything that had happened during the year.  I stopped reaching out to her and stopped logging onto Gmail.  She would still reach out and I would reply because I didn't want her to have any hard feelings and because I don't like to be rude with people by ignoring them; but I could finally say that I was over the whole situation and that we would never ever be together again.  Even if she came back some day, I now knew that I would never go back.