For me, the hardest part of breaking up was to realize that all the plans for
the future that I had with that person were never going to become a reality. I
was left all alone with a broken heart and a head full of memories and questions. Months
later I still miss that person, and even though the pain is not the same as it
was at the beginning, I am still struggling to move on with my life.
We'll see how long this goes on... But this is how the journey began...
The first week - After the separation, I realized that my ex was already dating someone else. I felt cheated and hurt. I wanted to scream and cry, and felt desperate. When I found out, I started getting sweaty, dizzy, anxious, I threw up and could not breathe properly. This would happen to me every time I would think about this new person. I just could not bear the thought of my love being with someone else. I couldn't stand the pain and I honestly thought I was going to die! I begged, cried, promised that I would be different, that I would do anything... I contacted the person my ex was now dating and begged him to step away, he obviously did not. My ex told me that we could not be together because there were doubts about her feelings, but that if we were meant to be together we would be. Even though there was a new person in the picture, my ex thought it would be okay to gave me false hope (so I wouldn't get hurt?!?!). I could not stop crying, it all felt like a really bad nightmare. I spent three days in bed, I could not eat, could not sleep, could not get myself to get up to go to work. There were moments when I thought I was going to go crazy and I thought I was never going to be able to go on with my life. Since I used to do absolutely everything with my ex, I did not know what to do with myself. I had separation anxiety and panic attacks. My entire world was crushed.. I just wanted all the pain to end!
The first two months - I was absolutely depressed, would cry every day, did not know how to make myself feel better as nothing would help. I had nightmares almost every night about my ex and this new person. My ex would still give me false hope by telling me that God had a plan for us but that it was not our time yet. I would fantasize about killing myself and the different ways that I could do it; but then I would think about my family and would realize that it was not fair for me to do that to them. I would still beg for another opportunity, for a kiss, for love. I would pray every night, every day, all day. I would drink to try forget about my misery but I soon realized that this would make me feel even more depressed the following day, so I stopped. I had to go to the doctor because I could not sleep and I kept getting panic attacks, so he had to put me on sleeping pills and Xanax; that was the only way I was able to get through the day. I would often think that I was becoming bipolar as one moment I was okay and the next I was depressed. I would sleep a lot throughout the day and didn't really have the energy or the desire to do anything. Nights and mornings were the worst part of the day. I kept wanting to have communication with my ex because it was extremely hard to just let go, so I would send letters and dedicate songs, I would express my feelings in hopes that my ex would realize that we were meant to be together and that all of this was just a mistake. I thought it was all temporary and I desperately wanted to make my ex fall back in love with me. My ex wanted to stay friends despite the fact that I was still in love, but I didn't mind because this would give me the opportunity to keep trying. I thought that her leftover time and love were better than nothing at all. I would try to be as nice as I could whenever we would spend time together - I would cook, make jokes, listen, and just show my affection as much as I could. I wanted my ex to realize that I was willing to do anything in order for us to get back together!
Third month - At the beginning of the month I still had hope, but I started to realize that I could not force my ex to love me or be with me. This month, I was told that things were now official with the new person my ex was dating (I'm sure it happened a lot sooner, but I just happened to ask). I was humiliated a few times and it was made clear to me that I no longer mattered... but my love was greater than all the pain. I was still willing to wait. We were supposed to go on a trip together (it was planned before this whole thing happened and it was too expensive to cancel everything), and I thought that maybe spending a few days together would change things. Wrong. We had a good time as friends and I enjoyed every single moment of that trip because I knew it would be the last one, but that was it. After we came back, I would still send emails and dedicate songs once in a while, but I stopped trying as hard as I would try the first couple of months. My hope was not as strong because I started to realize that I was wasting my time; but I could not let go either because my ex would not tell me straight out that there was no more hope for us (even though actions speak louder than words!). I no longer had panic attacks but would still get anxiety once in a while when thinking about my ex being with someone else, or whenever I felt the need to be with my ex. I decided to stop taking the Xanax because I would feel like I was high all day, and I slowly stopped taking the sleeping pills. By the end of the month I would still cry a lot and be sad most of the time, but I was slowly getting used to a new routine so my need to be with my ex was not as strong as it had been the previous months. Even though I was still in a very dark place, I was beginning to accept the fact that I had to move on.
During the first three months I felt worthless. I lost my self-respect, my dignity, my self-esteem... I fell very low. I felt like I had been traded for a better model and that I wasn't worth anything - that being the reason why my ex had chosen another person over me despite all the years we had spent together, and despite all the memories that we shared. I felt lonely, depressed, misunderstood, anxious... I experienced many feelings that I had never felt before. However, I realized that I could not let myself go and that even if people wanted to help me, I was the one that had to make the decision to help myself in order to be able to get out of my misery and move on with my life...
We'll see how long this goes on... But this is how the journey began...
The first week - After the separation, I realized that my ex was already dating someone else. I felt cheated and hurt. I wanted to scream and cry, and felt desperate. When I found out, I started getting sweaty, dizzy, anxious, I threw up and could not breathe properly. This would happen to me every time I would think about this new person. I just could not bear the thought of my love being with someone else. I couldn't stand the pain and I honestly thought I was going to die! I begged, cried, promised that I would be different, that I would do anything... I contacted the person my ex was now dating and begged him to step away, he obviously did not. My ex told me that we could not be together because there were doubts about her feelings, but that if we were meant to be together we would be. Even though there was a new person in the picture, my ex thought it would be okay to gave me false hope (so I wouldn't get hurt?!?!). I could not stop crying, it all felt like a really bad nightmare. I spent three days in bed, I could not eat, could not sleep, could not get myself to get up to go to work. There were moments when I thought I was going to go crazy and I thought I was never going to be able to go on with my life. Since I used to do absolutely everything with my ex, I did not know what to do with myself. I had separation anxiety and panic attacks. My entire world was crushed.. I just wanted all the pain to end!
The first two months - I was absolutely depressed, would cry every day, did not know how to make myself feel better as nothing would help. I had nightmares almost every night about my ex and this new person. My ex would still give me false hope by telling me that God had a plan for us but that it was not our time yet. I would fantasize about killing myself and the different ways that I could do it; but then I would think about my family and would realize that it was not fair for me to do that to them. I would still beg for another opportunity, for a kiss, for love. I would pray every night, every day, all day. I would drink to try forget about my misery but I soon realized that this would make me feel even more depressed the following day, so I stopped. I had to go to the doctor because I could not sleep and I kept getting panic attacks, so he had to put me on sleeping pills and Xanax; that was the only way I was able to get through the day. I would often think that I was becoming bipolar as one moment I was okay and the next I was depressed. I would sleep a lot throughout the day and didn't really have the energy or the desire to do anything. Nights and mornings were the worst part of the day. I kept wanting to have communication with my ex because it was extremely hard to just let go, so I would send letters and dedicate songs, I would express my feelings in hopes that my ex would realize that we were meant to be together and that all of this was just a mistake. I thought it was all temporary and I desperately wanted to make my ex fall back in love with me. My ex wanted to stay friends despite the fact that I was still in love, but I didn't mind because this would give me the opportunity to keep trying. I thought that her leftover time and love were better than nothing at all. I would try to be as nice as I could whenever we would spend time together - I would cook, make jokes, listen, and just show my affection as much as I could. I wanted my ex to realize that I was willing to do anything in order for us to get back together!
Third month - At the beginning of the month I still had hope, but I started to realize that I could not force my ex to love me or be with me. This month, I was told that things were now official with the new person my ex was dating (I'm sure it happened a lot sooner, but I just happened to ask). I was humiliated a few times and it was made clear to me that I no longer mattered... but my love was greater than all the pain. I was still willing to wait. We were supposed to go on a trip together (it was planned before this whole thing happened and it was too expensive to cancel everything), and I thought that maybe spending a few days together would change things. Wrong. We had a good time as friends and I enjoyed every single moment of that trip because I knew it would be the last one, but that was it. After we came back, I would still send emails and dedicate songs once in a while, but I stopped trying as hard as I would try the first couple of months. My hope was not as strong because I started to realize that I was wasting my time; but I could not let go either because my ex would not tell me straight out that there was no more hope for us (even though actions speak louder than words!). I no longer had panic attacks but would still get anxiety once in a while when thinking about my ex being with someone else, or whenever I felt the need to be with my ex. I decided to stop taking the Xanax because I would feel like I was high all day, and I slowly stopped taking the sleeping pills. By the end of the month I would still cry a lot and be sad most of the time, but I was slowly getting used to a new routine so my need to be with my ex was not as strong as it had been the previous months. Even though I was still in a very dark place, I was beginning to accept the fact that I had to move on.
During the first three months I felt worthless. I lost my self-respect, my dignity, my self-esteem... I fell very low. I felt like I had been traded for a better model and that I wasn't worth anything - that being the reason why my ex had chosen another person over me despite all the years we had spent together, and despite all the memories that we shared. I felt lonely, depressed, misunderstood, anxious... I experienced many feelings that I had never felt before. However, I realized that I could not let myself go and that even if people wanted to help me, I was the one that had to make the decision to help myself in order to be able to get out of my misery and move on with my life...
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